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[personal profile] arsenicwaltz
"It changed, didn't it," he said, his voice tinged with a gently hurt wonder. "It changed right before my eyes."
His fingers were gentle on the hollow of her throat, but she jerked away anyway, as if burned.
"Why?" he breathed. "Why did you change it?"
Her lip trembled slightly as she turned from him, as if her expression could not decide between a sneer or a sob.
"How can you ask me that? You of all people." Her expression solidified to one of bitter self-reprimand. "I wanted to love. You told me I should. I did. And now I am here anyway, just the same as always."
She took a deep breath that ended in a sob, then stood a moment, steadying her breathing before continuing. "The black heart should tell you all you need to know. My wish was to love, but there is no place for that wish here. Not now, not with you. Perhaps not even then, though neither of us had eyes to see it."
"But I think..."
"But you think nothing. Your hopes and dreams are plotted out for you like the orbits of the planets; you need only find your way to them to fall into your perfect trajectory."
He reached out a hand toward her shoulder, but she deftly evaded. "I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought..."
"No, you didn't think. I wonder if you've thought much about it at all, beyond the tinsel and the afterglow. What you *want* would mean the effective end of all of my hopes and dreams. I want to love you-" her voice broke "-but I cannot do so at the expense of my self."
"Oh love..." he sighed, but stopped when she cringed as if struck.
She turned brimming eyes upon him then, squeezing them shut as if to block out some horrible sight. And perhaps she was: his face was stricken, both with hurt and regret.
"Please leave me my defenses, at least," she said between clenched teeth, "I think it will be better for both of us this way."

She puts the notebook down then, fingering the pendant at her neck now. The tears come quietly, because she knows that as eloquent as she can be on paper, she will never have this conversation with him. He will never know.


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May 2009

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